Bipolar Depression is the pits. I wish with all my heart that the regiment of drugs they have me take would fend it off for good, but unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I tend to experience it at least once a month. So depression, you like to take up a lot of my time, allow me to steal a moment and share with you why I hate you so much.
1. You rob me of my days - You have the ability to take a day or two or three right out of my life. A day when I could have done great things, could have made new friends, or could have lived life to the fullest. You and your brain freezing capabilities literally take from me the opportunity to do anything but feel pain and lowliness.
2. You turn all food into comfort food - Some people can't eat when they are depressed. I am just the opposite. Suddenly every food, snack or meal becomes the one that is going to wake you up from the funk. Unfortunately, I just gain weight and feel regret. Thanks for that.
3. You steal my friendships - Friends can be so important when you are battling bipolar. They help you to recognize your symptoms, stay on top of things, and keep your mind busy. When depression rears its ugly head, I immediately become unable to talk to anyone without it being a labor intensive chore. I find it hard to listen and I find it hard to gather my thoughts. It is like my brain is already screaming at me and no noise can get through. I wish so much I could tell someone that I am just having depression without it making them feel like they can turn it off, or that I am ignoring them.
4. You put suicide on the table - Most people, especially people with great lives, would never consider the possibility of taking their own life. I have a beautiful family, a great job, a great boss, friends, all the things you could ever hope for....and yet, depression has the ability to make me feel so low that I would kill myself. It doesn't even make sense, it is a paradox, but it is real. It is one of the magic tricks of depression and I hate depression for it.
5. You hurt my productivity at work - Depression has the ability to make my job, which is wonderful, seem like a gut-wrenching pain. Every task becomes unbearable. Every deadline becomes unreachable. It is impossible to have new ideas and goals. All you want to do is stay home and sleep. It is like having a miserable cold that no one can see. There is no Dayquil for depression, despite how much I wish for it.
6. You hurt my relationship with my family - I feel like Eeyore when I am depressed. I linger around the house in an isolationist fog, unable to listen, only wanting to be alone, and I don't feel able to spend meaningful time with my wife and my two daughters. I often describe my depression as a freight train bearing down on my thoughts, a fatigue inducing terrible freight train. You aren't very fun to be around when you are in pain.
7. You take my joy - So they say that no one can take your joy. Well, depression has a way of doing just that. Times of happiness and joy are robbed by the overall feeling of despair. How is it possible that on some of the best days of my life, I just want to curl up and cry. Thanks depression.
8, You make me angry - Typically any bout with depression will have some instance in it when I become angry or have an explosion. I guess the feeling arises because you just want the noise to stop and anything can set you off with a railing of some sort. I am scared when I have these moments, but depression definitely loves to give them to me.
9. You make me sleepy - I hate the feeling of being sleepy. Though depression always make sleep look like your only option to find relief from the self-doubt and sadness. So you just want to hit the bed and escape. I guess it would be good if the sleep helped, but depression is still there when you wake up.
10. You make me paranoid - There is nothing like an extended period of depression to make you feel like the whole world is seeing your sadness, your uselessness, your weakness, and your self centered doom. Depression likes to remind you that when it goes away (and it will) you will have to pick up all the pieces of your latest episode. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, life sucks and I can't recover from this.
As you can probably tell, I am dealing with a recent round of depression. I know that it will pass and to all of my friends and readers who have been there, always know that depression, despite the hold that it has on our lives, is a curable thing and you will recover. No, there is not a vaccine, but luckily the phase tends to phase out. You just have to ride out the storm...and come up with your own list of things depression robs you from. It is very therapeutic. Depression, you are the only thing in this world that I hate. May you be short-lived.
