Sunday, June 5, 2016

Please don't think I don't like you.

There was a time...

There was a time in my life when I was a social butterfly. I could talk to anyone like they were not a stranger, talk to a whole room of people as if they were all my friends, make new friends, help others, and live up to the person I want to be.  I was a good friend to many and I took pride in the fact that I was there for others in their time of need.  Then my life changed one day and I woke up with this terrible disorder. My life was never the same.

Most days my brain is on overload, struggling to slow down, to feel joy, or at the very least feel comfortable enough to work, to rest, to not suffer through things.  Everything I do when I am depressed feels like a chore, and unfortunately it makes carrying on a conversation very difficult. I worry about saying the wrong thing, will the conversation make me anxious or depressed, does this person see my depression or am I causing them to be depressed because I feel this way.  Some days I have to hide away in my office, the only social things I am capable of are through my computer, through text messages, or phone calls.  I just can't be the person I once was and it pains me.

To all my friends and co-workers, I want to say that I love you and that there is nothing more that I would like to do than to talk with you. I wish I could be there to comfort you in your time of need, to listen to the details of your weekend, your ideas, or just find out how your day is going. I wish all these things, but I just can't do these when the depression takes hold of me, barricades my brain with thoughts and forces me into the uncomfortable shell that it does.  Bipolar depression is the pits, and every day that I spend in it, makes me feel like a jerk, a recluse, or just someone that everyone hates or wants to avoid. Please know that I wish I was free to talk, and that I really like you and the things you are saying,  I want to hear from you and experience life.  In return, I will try my hardest to fight through the shell, and work to listen, even when it becomes a struggle. When you see that I am struggling, hiding in my office and looking like I have the worst headache imaginable, send me a text or something, so I can answer it at my own pace, between the pain and struggle.

I really do like all those people in my life, and I don't want this disease to rob me of them.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Depression: 10 Things I Hate About You

Bipolar Depression is the pits. I wish with all my heart that the regiment of drugs they have me take would fend it off for good, but unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I tend to experience it at least once a month.  So depression, you like to take up a lot of my time, allow me to steal a moment and share with you why I hate you so much.

1. You rob me of my days - You have the ability to take a day or two or three right out of my life. A day when I could have done great things, could have made new friends, or could have lived life to the fullest. You and your brain freezing capabilities literally take from me the opportunity to do anything but feel pain and lowliness.

2. You turn all food into comfort food - Some people can't eat when they are depressed. I am just the opposite. Suddenly every food, snack or meal becomes the one that is going to wake you up from the funk. Unfortunately, I just gain weight and feel regret. Thanks for that.

3. You steal my friendships - Friends can be so important when you are battling bipolar. They help you to recognize your symptoms, stay on top of things, and keep your mind busy. When depression rears its ugly head, I immediately become unable to talk to anyone without it being a labor intensive chore. I find it hard to listen and I find it hard to gather my thoughts. It is like my brain is already screaming at me and no noise can get through.  I wish so much I could tell someone that I am just having depression without it making them feel like they can turn it off, or that I am ignoring them.

4. You put suicide on the table - Most people, especially people with great lives, would never consider the possibility of taking their own life. I have a beautiful family, a great job, a great boss, friends, all the things you could ever hope for....and yet, depression has the ability to make me feel so low that I would kill myself. It doesn't even make sense, it is a paradox, but it is real. It is one of the magic tricks of depression and I hate depression for it.

5. You hurt my productivity at work - Depression has the ability to make my job, which is wonderful, seem like a gut-wrenching pain.  Every task becomes unbearable. Every deadline becomes unreachable.  It is impossible to have new ideas and goals.  All you want to do is stay home and sleep. It is like having a miserable cold that no one can see. There is no Dayquil for depression, despite how much I wish for it.

6. You hurt my relationship with my family - I feel like Eeyore when I am depressed. I linger around the house in an isolationist fog, unable to listen, only wanting to be alone, and I don't feel able to spend meaningful time with my wife and my two daughters. I often describe my depression as a freight train bearing down on my thoughts, a fatigue inducing terrible freight train. You aren't very fun to be around when you are in pain.

7. You take my joy - So they say that no one can take your joy. Well, depression has a way of doing just that. Times of happiness and joy are robbed by the overall feeling of despair. How is it possible that on some of the best days of my life, I just want to curl up and cry. Thanks depression.

8, You make me angry - Typically any bout with depression will have some instance in it when  I become angry or have an explosion. I guess the feeling arises because you just want the noise to stop and anything can set you off with a railing of some sort. I am scared when I have these moments, but depression definitely loves to give them to me.

9. You make me sleepy - I hate the feeling of being sleepy. Though depression always make sleep look like your only option to find relief from the self-doubt and sadness.  So you just want to hit the bed and escape. I guess it would be good if the sleep helped, but depression is still there when you wake up.

10. You make me paranoid - There is nothing like an extended period of depression to make you feel like the whole world is seeing your sadness, your uselessness, your weakness, and your self centered doom. Depression likes to remind you that when it goes away (and it will) you will have to pick up all the pieces of your latest episode. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, life sucks and I can't recover from this.

As you can probably tell, I am dealing with a recent round of depression. I know that it will pass and to all of my friends and readers who have been there, always know that depression, despite the hold that it has on our lives, is a curable thing and you will recover. No, there is not a vaccine, but luckily the phase tends to phase out. You just have to ride out the storm...and come up with your own list of things depression robs you from. It is very therapeutic.  Depression, you are the only thing in this world that I hate. May you be short-lived.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The tradeoff

One of the things that often bothers me about my bipolar and the regimen of drugs I take is that I am not as outgoing and extroverted as I was before. I feel like I am just in the room in parties or gatherings. Many times people have to lead the conversation when I am around and before I was always so talkative and fun. I miss being emotional. Nothing makes me sad or mad, amused or excited. There is just me being there and watching and listening which is a big change from when I was younger. I used to be this class clown kind of guy. I always had topics to discuss, political views, all sorts of things to say. I think the value of a mood stabilizer is useful in that my moods are consistent, but sometimes I feel like not having moods makes me invisible or distant from my friends and family. I love, and I am happy, but those are just numbed nowadays. I try to express my self and my joy through my writing because the happy clown guy is no more. All I can tell the people who miss the old me as much as I do, is that Gregg was scared, worried and unhappy. I love my family and friends even if I am more quiet than before.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Some days you just feel crazy.

I know there are many stigmatizing words for mental illness (Crazy,Deranged,Loony,Psycho, etc.) and most of them make us feel like less of a person. Sure, we know we feel like those words, but the idea that people see those things, notice those things, makes us feel like we are being looked at 24/7.

Today was such a day for me. I had plenty of things to do. A long and busy day at work and errands afterwards, and though the world around me seemed to go on unscathed, I felt lousy. My bipolar moods were swinging high, making me feel depressed one minute, slightly manic the next all topped with a heavy dose of paranoia.  Everyone around me seemed happy and "on their game" while I just felt like everyone was noticing me there, rubbing my head, and looking and feeling...well...crazy.

One of the things I dislike about my Bipolar is the constant feeling that I am aware of my feelings. It may sound strange but anyone with mental illness knows about the constant thoughts of :
"Am I getting depressed?"
"Are these thoughts real?"
"Why do I have to suffer while those around me seem to be glowing."
"Is everyone looking at me and seeing my craziness?"
"When is this going to end and what will take its place?"
"Why can't I just be normal and happy?"

I have to tell myself on these days of really pronounced symptoms that they are going to go away. Odds are very good that those around you are more consumed with their own feelings than yours, and they are probably not in tune enough with you that they can tell when you are in a mood.  The only way to deal with days like this is to set your focus on the time you will have when all the noise has stopped, when you can lay down on the couch and just quietly, peacefully, listen to all of your thoughts and work them out.  Some days you are going to feel crazy and that's okay. It is part of the disorder and just like everything else...you have to manage it, and with that I wish you joy and a normal day tomorrow.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Hypomania

Hypomania is definitely a sore subject for me. Other than full out depression, Hypomania is the part of Bipolar disorder that gives me the most fits.  At any given time, you can fall into Hypomania and your whole world seems to come undone.  

A simple definition of Hypomania is a mood state where you are partially manic and partially depressed. It is also called a mixed-state.  The feeling you get from it can vary, but my experience with Hypomania is a mix of high energy and agitation at the same time. I become paranoid and nervous, and though I have lots of energy I feel overwhelmed by everything that happens to me.  Working is very hard when you are hypomanic, as every job you try to do seems insurmountable, and dealing with co-workers can be very difficult. I find it hard to hold down a conversation when my mind is racing and every sentence takes effort to say.  Needless to say, Hypomania makes it difficult to have friendships because most of the time when you are going through it, you can’t be there for the other person due to your own agitation and overwhelming mood.  

Just as with Mania or Depression, Hypomanic states can be very dangerous especially if they go on for long periods of time. They can hurt your work performance, force you to procrastinate, and damage friendships or relationships.  The good news is that they are just as temporary as the other states of Bipolar, but that doesn’t mean they are less serious. It is possible to become suicidal during a hypomanic phase because you do have that underlying depression to deal with. If you notice yourself or your loved one going through these states frequently, then it is important to talk to your doctor about modifying your medication. The bad news is though that there will still be hypomanic episodes even with a good regimen of drugs. You just have to minimize the damage. Force yourself to stay on top of your work. Tell your friends that you are sorry you're not attentive, but you will catch up with them when you feel better.  Treat a hypomanic phase just as you would a more severe mood swing and find the ways you need to use to cope and get through them.  They will subside.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Dealing with Bipolar Depression



The hardest part for most Bipolar patients is handling the depressive moods or what I like to refer to as the “down days”.  Mania, though hard to handle, is so much more fun than those days when you crash hard and feel like you don’t want to do anything but stay in bed.  These tips can help you battle depression and at least tolerate this aspect of your moods:

1. Ride it out. - Recognizing that you are going through a depression is half the battle. I find that it is somewhat helpful to deal with a depression when you recognize that it is not a permanent experience.  The depression will end if you can make it through it unscather. Our minds are built to correct the feeling of depression so even if you feel that your depression is at the top of its game, it will slowly get better. Focus on recognizing the depression, owning it, and realizing that it is temporary and you are going to eventually get better.


2. Fight the urge to give up - Though you feel like staying in bed all day and missing work, try to fight the urge to give into these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.  Try to keep your regular schedule and focus on doing (despite the way you feel.)  Your depression wants you to give up and stay sedentary, but you might find if you battle against the urge to give up, you will decrease the duration of the depression. You may be miserable throughout, but allowing yourself to ignore your coping skills and dropout of society is only going to  prolong the event.

3. Don’t listen to the negative thoughts in your mind - Your mind is going to work hard to rationalize your feelings of depression.  As human beings we are designed to give reason to our emotions and try to make them better or explainable in our minds.  Depression is very good at telling you that the feelings you have are grounded in real life and your world.  Recognize that your mind is going through a depression and try to discount the connection between how you are feeling and the truth in your life. It sometimes helps to make a list of the “truths” in your life and referring to these when depression strikes. Your mind will try hard to make you paranoid, suicidal, or worried.  Feelings are just feelings. They are not true just because you feel bad and depressed. Concentrate on the fact that you are going through something that will pass.


4. Reach out to a loved one - So often with depression we feel like a bother when it comes to other people. No one wants to be a downer to those around us. Still, it is important for someone to love to know that you are going through a depression. They won’t always know how to help you, but telling them will help them to recognize any thoughts of suicide or paranoia.  Give your loved ones the help they need by learning to recognize your moods, even if you feel like withdrawing and hiding. Odds are good they already know you are depressed.

5. Don’t self medicate - It would be so nice if there was a magic pill that ended your depression, but most of the methods we use to self-medicate typically make us more depressed. Fight the urge to change the amount of pills that are prescribed to you or drinking alcohol when you are depressed. Most of the pills and alcohol you consume are depressants and will usually draw you deeper and lower in your mood.  It may be painful and you just want to escape, but that escape usually comes with a price.  Try to remember that you want the depression to subside and that it will. Don’t let self-medication give you a problem that will still exist when you finish this mood.


6. Take Breaks - When you are depressed you need to take breaks and comfort yourself. It is horrible and sometimes we try to push past our limits. It is good to give yourself space and time to make it through the episode.  Remember to keep your stress at a minimum and allow yourself to recover at a pace that works for you.


7. Consult your psychiatrist - Sometimes a depressive episode is caused by failures in your medication.  This may be a sign that you need to change mood stabilizers and/or your depression medication. These drugs sometimes stop working and it is important to let your doctor know when they are happen frequently and the duration and intensity of the depression.

The best advice I can give, and what has helped me, is the knowledge that you have a disorder that causes these depressions. They will pass, but you can try to minimize the damage created by them by acknowledging your depression and committing to the idea that they are a normal part of your disorder. You will survive them, so try not to lose hope when you feel this way.  Whatever you are feeling today, will be better tomorrow, no matter how hopeless you feel.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Welcome to the Bipolar Roller Coaster.


Do you feel like your moods are never stable always going from high to low?
Do you experience long periods of happiness and euphoria and then fall into a deep depression?
Are you always perplexed about how you will feel from day to day and do those around you notice that you are soaring high or falling deep?


Welcome to the Bipolar Roller Coaster

Having a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder can either come as a relief or an unwelcome surprise for you or a loved one.  The sound of it seems foreign or even scary, and from the name you feel as if it is some sort of odd medical term that is hard to grasp.  When you stop and think about it, learn the various symptoms, and find out more about the disease, you will probably be surprised you weren't diagnosed earlier. 

Bipolar disorder comes in two varieties, Bipolar I and Bipolar II. The disorder is also referred to sometimes as Manic Depression.  The symptoms for the various forms of Bipolar are slightly different and which Bipolar disorder you have is primarily diagnosed by duration or severity of moods.  Click Here to learn the difference between the two forms of Bipolar  as well as more about the variety of symptoms.

Whichever form of the disorder you have will determine the course of treatment that you will be prescribed, but it is very important to remember that this disease is very manageable and treatable. The challenges of having Bipolar will never go away, but you can have a successful life with the disease, it is just important to learn how to live with it and how to manage.  Your  doctor will most likely prescribe medications for the disorder, which may take time to calibrate to your needs. Don't give up hope. You will eventually find the right combination. It is very important to make it to all of your appointments especially until you get the meds correct.  Even while on meds though, you may still experience occasional swings in mood and behavior and so therapy and self-care can also help you to manage your disorder.  Hang in there. You can learn to manage.

My experience with Bipolar 

I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder eight years ago, but learning about the symptoms I feel that I went undiagnosed for a majority of my adult life.  I probably began showing symptoms when I was in college, but it took a while for me to seek professional help for my long depressive episodes and my manic behavior.  I have Bipolar Disorder II with rapid cycling.  I currently take medication to keep my mood stabilized and I attend therapy to make sure that I am able to deal with the occasional mood elevations or depression.  After my diagnosis it took several years for me to finally grasp the seriousness of the disorder and to understand the value of taking my meds and managing my moods. Bipolar patients are notorious for not taking their medications and I was no different. I spent the first seven years of my diagnosis going on and off my meds, in and out of therapy, and never really working on management.  It took a close brush with suicide, a hospitalization, and major life changes before I realized the seriousness of the disorder, and began working to make my life better and manage my mental illness.  I will admit that I enjoyed the manic phases even though I knew that they would be followed by long depressions. I went through phases of high productivity and phases of crippling depression and basically rode this roller coaster every day, not knowing what mood I would wake up tomorrow experiencing.  The surprising thing, I later learned, is that those people around me definitely recognized my symptoms long before I did, and it has been with their help that I have learned the most about managing my disorder.  I have been very fortunate to have understanding people in my life, good doctors, and a supportive family.  Though there is no cure for the disorder, I learned that I could manage it, and that I didn't have to stay on the roller coaster every day.

Learning to Help Others

As I began becoming more accepting of my disorder and learning to share it with people, I was surprised how many of my friends and co-workers have dealt with Bipolar, or other mental illness in their own lives or in the lives of their loved ones.  Mental illness is often stigmatized and treated differently than other health issues, but I have learned that it is really not beneficial for me to hide my disorder, but rather accept it and embrace that I am managing every day.  It may not be something that all Bipolar sufferers are comfortable discussing, but I have found that it is in my nature to share, and that through sharing I have been given many opportunities to help others to understand the disorder and find comfort.  I decided to start this blog to help those out there that may be suffering from the disorder, or who might have loved ones who are suffering.  It is my goal to provide information and resources as well as inspiration for those who are faced with this challenge every day.  So, welcome to the roller-coaster that is Bipolar disorder. Know that you are not alone, Bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adult Americans, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population age 18 and older every year. (National Institute of Mental Health),  You and your loved one can learn to manage the disease and to have a productive and happy life.

*I am not a certified physician or therapist. I am a normal person who manages his life with Bipolar Disorder every day. My goal is to share my experiences to help those who also manage their Bipolar or live with someone who is managing.