I know there are many stigmatizing words for mental illness (Crazy,Deranged,Loony,Psycho, etc.) and most of them make us feel like less of a person. Sure, we know we feel like those words, but the idea that people see those things, notice those things, makes us feel like we are being looked at 24/7.
Today was such a day for me. I had plenty of things to do. A long and busy day at work and errands afterwards, and though the world around me seemed to go on unscathed, I felt lousy. My bipolar moods were swinging high, making me feel depressed one minute, slightly manic the next all topped with a heavy dose of paranoia. Everyone around me seemed happy and "on their game" while I just felt like everyone was noticing me there, rubbing my head, and looking and feeling...well...crazy.
One of the things I dislike about my Bipolar is the constant feeling that I am aware of my feelings. It may sound strange but anyone with mental illness knows about the constant thoughts of :
"Am I getting depressed?"
"Are these thoughts real?"
"Why do I have to suffer while those around me seem to be glowing."
"Is everyone looking at me and seeing my craziness?"
"When is this going to end and what will take its place?"
"Why can't I just be normal and happy?"
I have to tell myself on these days of really pronounced symptoms that they are going to go away. Odds are very good that those around you are more consumed with their own feelings than yours, and they are probably not in tune enough with you that they can tell when you are in a mood. The only way to deal with days like this is to set your focus on the time you will have when all the noise has stopped, when you can lay down on the couch and just quietly, peacefully, listen to all of your thoughts and work them out. Some days you are going to feel crazy and that's okay. It is part of the disorder and just like everything else...you have to manage it, and with that I wish you joy and a normal day tomorrow.
